Thursday, April 2, 2020

Today is my husband’s 35th birthday. He is the hardest working, most fun-loving and patient man. So, before I start writing about anything too serious, I want to first acknowledge that 35 years ago today, my soulmate, and best friend was born and I couldn’t do this thing called “life” without him. Happy Birthday Shawn! I love you so very much!

This morning Michigan’s governor declared that all K-12, in-person classes, are officially done for the year and students won’t be returning to school until the following school year. In other words, we now officially have an 8th grader and a 5th grader, whether we’re ready for that or not. 

Our youngest, Levi, was able to video chat with his teacher and some of his classmates this afternoon and it was such a fun thing for him to be able to see everyone after 21 long days of isolation/social-distancing. Technology like this is an amazing blessing right now, and we’ve been taking advantage of it. A few days ago I was also able to video chat with my “Tribe” of girlfriends, we talked, drank wine, and laughed A LOT for over an hour, it was the BEST and most needed kind of therapy. I highly recommend using Zoom or any other app that allows you to socialize with friends and family while we continue to practice social-distancing.  

When all of this COVID-19 shit started I felt blindsided but most of all I felt robbed of my progress with Physical Therapy. After all of our future doctor and therapy appointments were cancelled I felt robbed once again of getting the answers from the Osteoporosis specialist and Orthopaedic specialist, which were two of my March appointments I had been really looking forward to. It took MONTHS of waiting for my March appointments and then BAM they were all cancelled and who knows when I’ll be able to reschedule. This type of “waiting game” is even more stressful because NOBODY knows how long it will be before we’re able to schedule any in-person appointments with specialists. I was also right in the middle of scheduling Landon’s first therapy session when all of the social-distancing started, followed by the complete cancellation of all in-person therapy appointments, so once again, I have NO IDEA what this means for Landon and whether he’ll be able to actually start therapy in the next couple of months or not. And if I’m being completely honest, he is probably the last person I would want to be completely quarantined with. Thank God my parents have been allowing him to stay with them during the day, but if we don’t get his meds regulated soon I’m not sure how long they’ll be able to have him there. He can be extremely difficult to be around and lately he has been testing the patience of the two MOST patient people in his life, his grandpa and grandma.

My health has been okay lately. I’m still trying to get my prescription renewed for my CGM and pump supplies, but I’ve still been unable to reach anyone at Solara medical supplies. Tomorrow I will try once more, before I call my endocrinologist’s office and ask them for advice. 

As of right now, Michigan is the 3rd state, out of 50, with the most COVID-19 cases. 1st: New York, 2nd: New Jersey, and 3rd: Michigan. It blows my mind that the recovery rates in the U.S. are nowhere near what they’ve been in other countries and the cases of COVID-19 have surpassed Italy and China. This virus doesn’t discriminate. It doesn’t care how old you are, how rich you are, what color your skin is...it just spreads like wildfire. And yet there are still people out there who aren’t taking things serious and they’re the ones who are allowing this virus to continue to spread. It’s been 21 days since my son Levi and I have been anywhere outside of our own neighborhood. It’s been rough, we’ve been dealing with boredom and cabin fever the best we can, but we’re doing our part with social-distancing and we will continue to do this until it is safe for EVERYONE…

I’ll end this post by saying...Stay Safe. Stay Home. Wash Your Hands. Stay Hopeful.

All my Love and Hope,

Sarah aka Hopeful Dreamer

Redo - just a poem I wrote

REDO

Can I get a do over?

Today can go to hell

Can I try again tomorrow?

I’m just not doing well

Sorry I need to reschedule

Let’s try again real soon

Sorry it just won’t work today

Nothing works before noon

My body is so broken

My brain won’t let me sleep

I can’t explain each symptom

They all just run so deep

I don’t know when I’ll be able

Not sure when I’ll feel good

Cancelling and rescheduling

Second guessing if I should

I’m very unreliable

I’m always running late

Missing out on memories

Is what I truly hate

I never take for granted

The days that I feel able

Just wish that there were more

And I could feel more stable

Redos don’t exist

But each morning is a gift

A chance to make some memories

And give my soul a lift

-Sarah M Rozeboom

03/02/2020 (started)

03/17/2020 (finished)

COVID-19 March 21-23

Saturday, March 21, 2020

I’ve been feeling really off lately. I suffer from PMDD (premenstrual dysphoric disorder) and since I should be getting my period in the next 5-6 days I’m pretty certain that this is the reason why I’ve been so fatigued and depressed, on top of the normal PMS symptoms of cravings, feeling bloated and high blood sugars. Anyway, it obviously doesn’t help that we’re in the middle of the COVID-19 social distancing. The only positive thing about all of this is that I don’t have to constantly see what I’m missing out on every time I go on Facebook, because EVERYONE is going through this. Usually when I’m feeling so fatigued and unable to do much of anything except sleep, I’ll have to witness friends getting together, having fun with their kids/loved ones, going on vacations, etc.

I’m praying and thinking about every single person who is struggling right now, but especially those who suffer from various mental health issues and are having to go without therapy for the next month or so. The mind can play ugly tricks during times of high stress, so I can’t imagine what some people are experiencing at this moment.

Monday, March 23, 2020

First off I wanted to point out that Saturday’s post was put aside for one reason or another and I completely forgot to finish so I’m just putting today’s post with it.

This morning at 11am Gov. Whitmer issued the entire state of Michigan to stay-at-home. Only essential workers will continue to work, but even most of those workers will be limited/reduced. This will be issued through, at least, April 13. Many schools around the country have declared that they will be shut down for the remainder of the school year. What does that mean for our kids? Will they automatically move on to the next grade level if they’ve been doing well thus far or will there be tests that they will be made to take at some point to determine whether or not they will be able to pass their current grade? I’m not sure how to even feel about any of this right now. This is all happening so fast.

Here are some facts (mainly for myself and the boys to some day look back on and remember the COVID-19 crisis)

Global confirmed cases: 372,563

Total deaths: 16,381

Total recovered: 100,885

U.S. Confirmed Cases: 41,511

Total Deaths: 499

Unfortunately, there’s talk about how the worst of this virus is “just around the corner” and that doesn’t help the panic and hoarding people have been taking part in. I think I’ll end this post for today and once I can wrap my brain around everything that is happening right now a little better, then I will post again. Stay Safe. Stay Healthy. Stay HOME! We are in this TOGETHER! #AloneTogether #Unity #COVID19

Love and Hope,

Sarah aka Hopeful Dreamer

Tuesday, March 17, 2020

The world is a scary, stressful place right now. This COVID-19 virus has been challenging for SO many reasons. It has completely upturned the lives of EVERYONE, there is not one single person in the country that this virus has NOT affected. This social-distancing is somewhat easy for those of us who do it on the regular due to our chronic illnesses, but to do it for at least 3 weeks, with kids, is a completely different story. When I self-quarantine, it’s for a couple days, and I pretty much don’t leave my bed. It’s only, technically, day two of “homeschooling” and let's just say, there’s a reason I NEVER wanted to be a teacher nor have I EVER considered homeschooling. I’m horrible at keeping a routine and I’m not very organized (ask my mom if you don’t believe me). On top of the “homeschooling” I’ve been trying to stay on top of all our medical “stuff” like appointments that need to be cancelled and prescriptions that need renewals and refills. I’ve been put on hold more times than I can count, and have had to listen to the same pitchy “elevator music” over and over, day after day, just trying to get prescriptions renewed and appointments cancelled and if I’m lucky, rescheduled. 

I’ve become the “mean mom” and have had to turn away neighborhood friends, and tell my boys that they can play outside, but NOT with friends, only with each other...let me just say, they can rarely be in the same room without starting some sort of argument/fight, so I’m not surprised they have yet to play TOGETHER outside. I’m lucky enough to live a block away from my parent’s house, so Landon has been spending his time helping my dad and neighbor’s with yard work during the day and keeping busy over there while I try to do some “homeschooling” with Levi. Meanwhile, the stores are still running out of toilet paper, milk, meat, etc. The restaurants and bars have ALL banned customers from dining in, therefore the bars are completely closed but most restaurants are still offering delivery and curbside pick-up. As a parent of a child who is prone to severe, life-threatening respiratory infections and also as someone who happens to fall in the high-risk category due to multiple chronic illnesses, these extreme measures are actually A-OKAY with me. Unfortunately I had 5 very important appointments scheduled during the next 3 weeks and ALL of them have been cancelled, none of them are able to be rescheduled until further notice, so the waiting game continues. I pray that if we ALL work together and keep up the social-distancing as much as humanly possible, that we decrease the severity of this contagious virus that continues to kill and spread like wildfire. Wash your hands. Stay home. Wash your hands. Help those who are vulnerable. Wash your hands. Pray, send positive vibes and just keep hoping that we can contain and stop COVID-19 sooner rather than later. And for the love of all that is good STOP HOARDING TOILET PAPER!!!!

With Love and Hope always,

Sarah aka Hopeful Dreamer

Saturday, February 29, 2020

Happy Leap Year 2020! This week, although better than last week, still started off a bit rough. We never really know what Landon’s attitude will be in the mornings. He could be horrible the night before, and wake up just fine and ready for school, either way we’ve learned to just hope for the best but prepare ourselves for the worse. This coming Thursday we have his first appointment with a new psychologist/psychiatrist to start him on some much needed counseling. We have been through many different counselors/therapists in the past, and have yet to find the right one for Landon. My hope is that this one will be able to help Landon work through his various feelings and emotions and teach him ways to better control his reactions to the negative ones. I’m also praying hard that myself, Shawn, Levi, and my parents will ALL get guidance on how to help Landon and how to heal from the damage his negativity has created. There’s a lot riding on this appointment. 

Over this last month, I’ve come to realize just how hard it is to find help for parents/caregivers of teens with mental illness. There is just way too many waiting lists out there and when you have a child who is in crisis, the waiting is detrimental in more ways than one. The child and those who care for him and live with him suffer tremendously. It’s extremely disheartening to say the least, and the relationships within the family suffers so much. Thursday cannot come soon enough. 

Wednesday, March 4, 2020

Today I had an extra long, extra hard Physical Therapy appointment. I left sweaty, but I also left feeling incredibly accomplished. I’ve been able to do more in my hour long appointments than I ever thought I’d be able to do and my physical therapist, Meghan, has been AMAZING! For such a tiny, petite lady, she sure knows what she’s doing. I have one more month of physical therapy left, and I already know I’m going to miss it once I’m done. 

Tomorrow is the big day! At 1:00 pm Landon has his first appointment with Dr. Thomas, his new psychologist. I’m trying to get all my notes ready to bring along to this appointment so I don’t forget anything. There’s so many underlying issues with Landon that can easily be forgotten/overlooked at these types of appointments, but because they seem to all impact each other I don’t want to forget to fill him in on something that could potentially be important. Praying and hoping that the appointment goes well, and this doctor can help ALL of us heal.

Two weeks from today I have my appointment to meet with the Osteoporosis specialist and then the following week I have my appointment with the Orthopaedic specialist to help figure out what exactly is going on with my spine and hips. I’ve been warned that they will most likely want to order an MRI, along with some other testing, possibly a bone marrow biopsy and/or biopsy of the fluid around or in between the affected vertebrae. The MRI doesn’t sound bad, but the other testings sound like they could be pretty painful, but I’m ready and willing to undergo any tests if they could potentially give me answers. It’s going to be a very busy month packed with a lot of very crucial appointments for both myself and Landon. The sunshine and warmer weather is definitely a mood booster and I’m hoping it sticks around to help keep my mood and overall health boosted. *Fingers crossed* Hope these updates find you all doing well and staying healthy! 

Love and Hope,   Sarah aka Hopeful Dreamer     

Drowning

My plate is too full
My shoulders weighed down
I can’t take on any more
I’m behind and overwhelmed
I’m unreliable and depressed
I can’t keep up
I feel like I’m drowning
There’s so much to do
The pressure is high
Responsibilities and priorities
I can’t keep them in line
One day at a time
Keep going
Stay strong
I’m trying I swear
Today was just tough
My week has been hell
It’s hard to find answers
I keep reaching out
I keep searching for a plan
I won’t give up
My son needs help
The damage he’s causing
Runs deeper each day
I want my child back
Not this angry, mad boy
Not this mean, defiant person
I don’t know anymore
I want him to thrive
I want him to smile
I need him to care
And allow us back in
Our family is in crisis
Our patience runs thin
I’m walking on eggshells
Feeling defeated and drained
I hope tomorrow is better
Hoping soon things turn around
Praying God sends us someone
And we can all start to heal

Updates

Monday, Feb. 17, 2020

Last Friday I had my very first Physical Therapy session. I was initially scheduled to start last Wednesday, but they accidentally scheduled me at the wrong location. Anyway, my first appointment went really well. My right hip was partially dislocated and my therapist was able to pop it back in place. It was the WORST sound ever! I felt intense pressure but when the actual “pop” occurred it was the BEST feeling! She was also able to work on a HUGE knot in my back. The, nearly two hour, appointment went really well. I will be continuing Physical Therapy, twice a week, for the next two months.

Today I was FINALLY able to upload/update my insulin pump with the newest technology, Control IQ. It works directly with my Dexcom G6 and just like a normal pancreas, it adjusts my insulin according to what my blood sugar is doing. If my sugars are rising to anything above 160, Control IQ will increase my insulin, if my blood sugars indicate I will be dropping below 80, it will decrease my insulin or stop it completely until it is back in a normal range. You can read more about this new technology at www.tandemdiabetes.com

Saturday, Feb. 22, 2020

This week has been a roller coaster of emotions. Our oldest, Landon, has been struggling with his emotions and how to deal with them. He doesn’t know how to handle his various emotions and feelings, especially ones that involve anger and frustration, therefore, he lashes out verbally and goes into a full blown rage and panic attack. Wednesday, he ended up in the ER for a psych evaluation after he verbally threatened to harm himself. This was an eye opening and scary experience for him (and his loved ones). I think it finally sunk in that the things he says really do have consequences, and those “empty” threats, that he so easily unleashes, are not as “empty” and “innocent” as he once believed them to be.

The stress from dealing with an emotionally distraught, frustrated and rage filled 13 year old ended up taking quite the toll on my body and mind. I was completely drained of any energy and motivation, my entire body ached, my stomach was constantly nauseous and my mind was in a constant state of worry, and depression. Luckily, we had a wonderful social worker who recommended and set up an appointment for Landon with a psychologist that he will see on March 5th and we were able to come up with a solid plan to help him, and us, get through this difficult stage. I cannot thank my parents and the staff at Landon’s school enough for continuing to show Landon (and his parents) their support and love, especially during these trying times when it would be easier to just turn a blind eye.

My Control IQ technology was definitely put to the test this past week and passed with flying colors. Even on the high stress days, my blood sugars never went above 200 and I only had one low blood sugar event! I guarantee that without Control IQ I would’ve been in the 200-400 range for most of the week, just due to stress alone. Although I missed one of my Physical Therapy appointments on Wednesday, I will be seeing them again Tuesday and Friday. It seems like PT is still having a positive effect on my back and hip pain, so I look forward to my future appointments and am hopeful the pain and aches continue to lessen.

Hold on to Hope and keep Dreaming of a better tomorrow!

All my Love and Hope,

Sarah aka Hopeful Dreamer

Friday, February 7, 2020

This week was difficult for various reasons. 1st my G6 transmitter (Continuous Glucose Monitoring System transmitter) died last weekend and of course my prescription for my CGM supplies expired last month so I’m “patiently” waiting for my medical supplier to reach my Endocrinologist to renew my prescriptions for the CGM supplies, AND insulin pump supplies. Sounds like it should be shipped out by Tuesday, but going nearly 2 weeks without it is definitely NOT ideal. 

Another reason my week was difficult was due to my oldest son’s attitude towards me. He has various psychological/behavioral issues (ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder), ADHD, Depression, Anxiety, Tourette’s and IED (Intermittent Explosive Disorder)) but his angry outbursts and tantrums have ALWAYS been directed towards me, and the older he gets, the nastier his verbal abuse becomes. The beginning of the week was the worst. Every single evening and a couple mornings, he managed to drain me of ALL emotion, which in my opinion, is a worse feeling than being outright angry or sad. I was left a complete zombie. A shell of myself. I had no fight left in me and once again felt myself at a complete and utter loss over how my own son could call me such horrible names, and use words that NO mom should EVER hear directed at them from their own child. I’m always left feeling ashamed, feeling like I failed and feeling so completely alone. It’s hard asking for any advice or help from friends or family because, for the most part, they have NEVER witnessed this side of my child and there's no way any of them can relate or give advice on something like this. I’m ashamed and feel sick to my stomach to even repeat the things he says to me. It’s always a verbal outburst, with a slew of verbal threats that have NEVER been followed through. He doesn’t understand that the words he says really do hurt people and that the words and threats he so easily throws my way could easily land him in BIG trouble if he ever directs it towards the wrong person (someone who doesn't know about his invisible illnesses). A big problem with always being the target of his aggression and constantly dealing with his verbal abuse is the fact that it causes my body to crash. For the next couple of days my blood sugars go crazy, my insomnia AND hypersomnia kick my ass, my chronic pain and fatigue come at me full force and it just takes me a hell of a lot longer to recuperate than it would the average mom. Fortunately, the last 2 days his behavior has greatly improved...I just never know how long the improvement will last, but I’ll take what I can get. 

The 3rd reason this week has been rough is that, due to stress and fighting a head cold, I wasn’t able to get myself out of bed for longer than a few minutes at a time for 3 days straight! My husband was such a trooper in the mornings with taking the kids to school and my parents helped me out SO MUCH with picking them up after school and getting them fed. But as always, I still needed to get myself out of bed long enough to get their bags packed for school the next day, teeth brushed, medicine given and get them both in bed, which usually involves them arguing and fighting over something and dragging the whole bedtime “routine” on and on for much longer than my patience and body can handle. 

Today was a good-ish day. I had an appointment with my new primary care physician this afternoon and it went better than I thought it would. After discussing the results of my bone scans in detail with him, and getting a “plan of action” put in place, I feel MUCH BETTER. We decided to stick with a “non-surgical” approach when it comes to any treatments for my back and overall joint pain. I will be starting physical therapy next Wednesday, and I will be seeing a therapist who specializes in bone health. He also prescribed a muscle relaxer for me to use on the days/nights when my pain and stiffness is at its worst. I feel confident that I will be able to find some more answers and more importantly, some long-term relief with this plan. March 18 I have an appointment with an Osteoporosis Specialist and my doctor said that she should be able to give us more answers as to possible reasons why I even have low bone density, old fractures of the spine and osteoporosis of the right hip. Well, I guess that is all for now. Next week, once I get my G6 transmitter, I'll be able to install the newest update to my pump called Control-IQ and I will explain what this VERY EXCITING update means for me and so many other diabetics. 

I hope you have a wonderful weekend! 

All my love and hope,

Sarah aka Hopeful Dreamer     

Hope Quotes

“And sometimes

Against all odds,

Against all logic,

We still HOPE.”

“Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness.” -Desmond Tutu

“At the end of the day,

All you need is Hope and Strength.

Hope that it will get better, and

Strength to hold on until it does.”

“Once you choose Hope, anything is possible.” -Christopher Reeve

“Hope is not pretending that troubles don’t exist. It is the hope that they won’t last forever. That hurts will be healed and difficulties overcome. That we will be led out of the darkness and into the sunshine.”

“I am not an optimist, but a great believer in hope.” -Nelson Mandela

“Do not

Lose hope,

Please believe

That there are

A thousand

Beautiful things

Waiting for you.

Sunshine

Comes to all

Who feel rain.” -r.m. drake

“A single thread of hope is still a very powerful thing.”

“Pain is real. But so is Hope.”

“Hopeful Dreamer- Someone who remains hopeful and continues to dream of a better tomorrow, even when facing the darkest of days.” - Sarah Rozeboom

Random Favorite Quotes pt.1

"The fact that you're struggling doesn't make you a burden. It doesn't make you unloveable or undesirable or undeserving of care. It doesn't make you too much or too sensitive or too needy. It makes you human. Everyone struggles. Everyone has a difficult time coping, and at times, we all fall apart. During these times, we aren't always easy to be around - and that's okay. No one is easy to be around one hundred percent of the time. Yes, you may sometimes be unpleasant or difficult. And, yes, you may sometimes do or say things that make the people around you feel helpless or sad. But those things aren't all of who you are and they certainly don't discount your worth as a human being. The truth is that you can be struggling and still be cared for. You can be less than perfect, and still be deserving of compassion and kindness."

-Daniell Koepke

"but darling

you are a river.

the rocks will

break you.

the valleys will bend you.

but you will never

stop.

because that is what you do.

you flow."

-Vinati

“A soul that carries empathy is a soul that has survived enormous pain.”

“Pray with Hope”

“In the end, she became more than what she expected. She became the journey, and like all journeys, she did not end, she simply changed directions and kept going.” - r.m. drake

“And perhaps

What made her beautiful

Was not her appearance,

Or what she achieved,

But in her love

And in her courage

And her audacity

To believe

No matter

The darkness

Around her,

Light ran wild

Within her,

And that was the way

She came alive,

And it showed up

In everything.”

- morgan harper nichols

I Think It’s Brave

I think it’s brave that you get up in the morning even if your soul is weary and your bones ache for a rest.

I think it’s brave that you keep on living even if you don’t know how to anymore.

I think it’s brave that you push away the waves rolling in every day and you decide to fight.

I know there are days when you feel like giving up but I think it’s brave that you never do.

- Lana Rafaela

Me and my girl Raven

E.R. visit 2019 - kidney infection

Cuddling with my BEAUTIFUL quilt my amazing tribe of friends had made for me ❤️

Retinal Cysts

Last week, Monday, I had my 3 month Retina Specialist appointment. I’ve been going for over a year now, every 3 months, to check on some cysts that appeared, primarily on my left retina, but a few smaller ones, at one point, showed up around the right retina as well. I also had some burst blood vessels show up in both eyes that they’ve been keeping a close eye on. At every appointment I was showing improvement, but not enough improvement to move my appointments to every 6 months, until last week! YAY!! My cysts and burst blood vessels in my right eye have completely disappeared and in my left eye I only show a couple small burst blood vessels that are healing and the larger, and last remaining cyst is continuing to decrease/heal all on it’s own. My retina specialist believes that my better blood glucose control and weight loss had A LOT to do with my eyes being able to heal on their own, without having to start any steroid injections. (getting injections every few months in my eyeball(s) did NOT sound appealing) She also believes that only the damaged blood vessels were related to my diabetes, and that the cysts may have been linked to Lupus or some other auto-immune disease. So as of last week, I officially have only two appointments every year with my retina specialist! God knows I have enough upcoming appointments with various specialists in the near future, if I can cut back on seeing one less frequently, I’m ALL FOR IT! 

Love and Hope,

Xoxo Sarah aka Hopeful Dreamer

#RetinaSpecialist #EyeCysts #DiabeticRetinopathy #T1D

What You See

When you see me out in public

Or even on social media

You see only what I allow you to see.

I’ve become a pro at applying makeup

I know how to dress to impress

To look completely put together

To look healthy and pain-free

To mask it all with a smile

When you see me on those rare occasions

I had a moment, or day, if I’m lucky

Where I felt good enough to shower,

Good enough to put in the effort

Good enough to get out of bed

Good enough to capture a rare selfie

What you don’t see 

And what I only allow my family to truly witness

Are the days when I can’t get out of bed

Days when I don’t have the energy to shower

Days when my pain is so high the only way to relieve it is sleep

Days when I can’t eat anything solid

Days when I have to shut myself in the bathroom

Days when the pain is so bad I become nauseous

Days when the nausea has me running to the bathroom to vomit

Days when my face is so pale it looks gray

Days when my skin develops itchy, painful, blotchy rashes

Days when I feel worthless and ugly

On those days I won’t post a selfie

I won’t be seen in public

I rely on my husband and parents for help

On those days I’m isolated and alone

I feel stuck and utterly exhausted

On those days I hold on to hope

I hope that tomorrow will be better

I hope that tomorrow I’ll be a better mom and wife

Every day I hope that morning brings less pain

Better blood sugar control and I’ll be able to get things done

I hope and pray that I’ll have more than just one good day

I hope and pray that the future holds more for me

And that there’s a reason for all this suffering

Love and Hope,

Sarah aka Hopeful Dreamer

 

 

 

 

Tuesday, January 28, 2020

Today was, finally, a good day. I was able to shower, eat a meal, and stay out of bed. After a fun night out with friends on Saturday, my body took a couple of days to recuperate. Anyone with chronic pain and fatigue knows that even a simple evening out with friends, usually means you’ll have to set aside a couple of days to just rest. Everyone at the party complimented me on how I looked that night, but in all honesty, I was just proud of myself for making it out and getting a rare chance to hang out with my husband, and a bunch of our friends. Compliments have always been hard for me to take. I have no idea why, I mean they make me feel good about myself, but also guilty. Let me explain. The guilt comes from being able to look so healthy when in reality I’ve been anything but. It comes from a place inside of me that feels like a fraud. Obviously I wouldn’t go out in my pajamas but when I DO get a chance to make an appearance I go ALL OUT. I wear outfits that I might not have the chance to wear again in a long time, if ever, and I try to look put together, rather than a complete mess, like I usually am. My husband was amazing this weekend. I would catch him watching me throughout the party, subtly checking in on me without having to say anything. It was endearing to see this side of him that I very rarely see. I can’t thank my parents enough for watching the boys for the night so we could actually socialize with friends and get out of the house for once. It’s these little moments in life that makes me feel so incredibly blessed and so incredibly loved. I have such a beautiful and loving group of friends, an AMAZING husband and of course two of the most supportive and loving parents in the world! 

This week I have to find a morning to go in and have some blood drawn for a couple different things. My Osteoporosis specialist wants a bunch of labs drawn before my initial appointment with her next month, my Endocrinologist needs some done and my Rheumatologist also wants some drawn. Of course I need to fast for a couple of them, which any diabetic knows is hard and depends on whether you have a low blood sugar during the night or early morning. Hopefully I can get them done tomorrow morning or the next so I won’t have to keep thinking about it. My hip and lower back keeps hurting me by the end of every day, and my bones, overall, seems to be extremely stiff in the mornings and crack very easy. I keep hearing that the next test they might want to have done is an MRI…unfortunately that means I’d have to remove my CGM and insulin pump for that test, but all things considered, that’s not so bad. If I want more answers I’m willing to undergo any tests they think might help. Sorry this post isn’t very exciting or anything, but maybe that’s a good thing. For anyone reading this, I hope you are feeling well today, and if not, I hope tomorrow will be kinder to you. 

Love and Hope,

Sarah aka Hopeful Dreamer   

Me and my husband, Shawn

My BEAUTIFUL friends 

Pump Problems/Landon's 13th Birthday

For the first time since being on an insulin pump I experienced an occlusion (clog) during the night and didn’t wake up when the alarm went off alerting me to this problem. I woke up with a blood sugar over 500 the next morning. I was drenched in sweat and absolutely exhausted. After refilling the reservoir and changing my pump site I fixed the occlusion problem, but as any diabetic knows, once you have blood sugars go that high, it takes your body a long time to get back to normal. I started chugging the water, so I could keep the ketones at bay, and pee out the extra sugar my body was retaining. I didn’t eat for nearly 24 hours, trying to get my sugars down. It’s insane to think that my body’s “normal” blood sugars used to be in the 300-400 range on a daily basis and now that I”ve maintained better control, my body just can’t handle anything higher than 250 without me feeling the affects of those high blood sugars right away. 

It’s now Saturday and I was able to take a shower, have some food, and although my sugars are still running on the higher side, I’ve been able to get them down a lot quicker. My energy is slowly returning, and I don’t smell like sweaty B.O. (Hooray!) 

Tomorrow our oldest son, Landon, turns 13!! That means we will officially have a teenager!! Am I really old enough to have a teenager?! Whether or not I am, it won’t stop the inevitable of my first born turning the big 13 :( Why does time seem to go by SO QUICK once you become a parent? I understand now why everyone would tell me to enjoy them while their young because before you know it they’ll be teenagers. No truer words were ever spoken. 

Landon’s first couple years of life were a roller coaster. After a month in the NICU; a prolonged stay at 4 months old for failure to thrive and a week and a half long stay at the PICU in an induced coma at 1 year old, we almost lost him 4 different times. We were told over and over that it’s a miracle that he is even alive. On one particularly hard appointment with one of his specialist when I was feeling like a complete failure, the specialist pulled me aside and said, “Sarah, look at him. The fact that he’s putting up a fight, breathing and is still alive, proves that you are doing an AMAZING job. He’s still living and breathing, whatever you’re doing, keep doing it. It’s because of you that he is still here with us.” She instantly became one of my favorite people ever. Landon has overcome SO many health issues of his own. And he has taught me SO much about being patient and resilient, and gave me a reason to fight, not only for him, but for myself as well. Let's be honest, if I didn’t fight for myself, I wouldn’t be able to fight for him. Now, that baby boy who had SO much against him, is turning 13 years old and I couldn’t be more proud. He struggles daily, overcomes so many obstacles daily and often takes his anger and frustration out on me, but he’s alive, he’s breathing, and he’s still a fighter. I’ll end this blog by saying “Happy 13th Birthday Landon! I Love you SO very much! You are stronger than you’ll EVER realize, you are caring, you are independent, you are a hard worker, and I can’t wait to see what else life has in store for you. Love always, Mom”

Love and Hope,

Sarah aka Hopeful Dreamer  

Landon in the NICU, Jan. 19, 2007

Landon, April 2007, 4 months old - Failure to thrive. Red blood cell transfusion and biopsy of stomach.

Landon 12 months old Jan.2008 - PICU, induced coma, lung infection, and croup

The Story Behind "Hopeful Dreamer"

I’ve recently been asked about the name/term “Hopeful Dreamer” so for this post I thought I’d attempt to explain it. 

My grandpa, or to my boys, papa, was one of the most AMAZING men and such an important person to everyone in our family. After he passed away, December 9, 2017, I knew in my heart that I was going to get a tattoo (my first) to remember him by. I decided to make copies of his journal entries from his time in the Navy and his years in ministry, with the help of my cousin Amber, to get ideas. My grandpa was a preacher, and if he brought me (and my cousin Amber) up during one of his sermons it was ALWAYS to reference that we had inherited his “dreamer trait”. We were dreamers just like our grandpa and I LOVE that we share this trait. So, I knew I wanted the word “dreamer” to be a part of my tattoo. The word “hopeful” was always a word he used to describe me, so that came easy. When I was going through thyroid cancer and found myself in a deep depression, I had a conversation with my grandpa that I’ll never forget, it went something like this,

“Sarah, you are the most hopeful person I know. Everything you’ve been through these past couple of years is proof that God has a bigger need for you here on Earth. He isn’t ready to welcome you home in heaven yet, and neither am I. Hold on to that hopefulness of yours so you can find that reason. You have a lot more living to do sweetheart.”

I was 14 years old, and my grandpa gave me back my hope that day, without even knowing it. SO… I started cutting out letters to spell out “hopeful dreamer” in my grandpa’s handwriting (which wasn’t easy since his handwriting is super messy) and I emailed my idea to a local tattoo artist that my friend recommended. The end result was AMAZING. I chose the inside of my left arm and I will NEVER regret getting it. So that is the shortened version of the story about my name, Hopeful Dreamer.